You're a good girl, but the way you touch me...must wanna get nasty...

Hehehehe, I was just thinking how extremely dirty I am. Looking at me on the street, you'd think I was the most innocent girl ever - a homeless man even said I looked like it. But little do you know that there's a plug and harness underneath my white, frilly dress. Little do you know that with every step, I get off of the fact that no one else knows. I imagine playing truth or shot, "What is the dirtiest thing you've ever done in sex" like in "40-year-old Virgin", and I would have to give a sly look and take the shot. People typically know me to be pretty open about my sexuality, and the fact that I'd have to hide what I've done will say that I'm especially dirty. And I love it. I love being gross and debaucherous for K. I've willingly and eagerly sucked on the cock and butt plug that has been in my ass. I fantasize about old men smelling me while I'm tied up - not fucking me though. I just get off on that damsel in distress situation you see in movies where the gross man has kidnapped the pretty girl, who has been forced to wear a pretty dress by him. I like getting peed on. If K suggests doing something gross as a punishment, I now give Him that knowing smile that says, "You KNOW that wouldn't be a punishment for me...."

I'm a cute, innocent looking, dirty, debaucherous little slut. ;)

Gahh, I knew it. I knew how happy I would feel if I finished everything early on. I've done my homework ahead of time and listened to my daily hypnotism files early, and as I search blogs out of pure interest, expanding on my fantasies, I already have one blog post ready, and this is my second one today. :)

I just wanted to mention how good a nice belt slapping on my behind does me. Yesterday K tried it with me, and it was amazing. I would LOVE it if I could start every day like that. It makes me feel so exhilarated and I want to get up and do things. It could become as frequent as my morning cup of coffee but spiked with heroine or whatever drug makes you feel on top of the world. Because that's how getting smacked and flogged makes me feel.

Who knew that I'd be so cut out for this kind of thing. I always felt like a bit apart from people who engaged in the lifestyle. I'd think, "Mm, I'm not sure if I'd really be cut out for that type of thing, it seems interesting though..." I never knew that BDSM was so much more than just whips and chains and pain tolerance. It's a sense of belonging, of feeling owned, and this inherent desire to please and put your Dominant's desires before your own in the process. If I had known that, I would have recognized it as such a perfect solution so much earlier. However, the danger in that is that I might have sought out and found a Dominant before I met K. So all in all, I'm so glad things panned out the way they did. The universe must really love me, for I am so lucky.

L'amour est une oiseau rebelle.

Every single day I encounter something I've improved on, and my gratitude for K and what he's done for me grows deeper. He does remind me however that a lot of my progress comes from my own strength, and I'm indeed grateful that I'm the kind of person who considers serving, pleasing, and submitting a priority. Otherwise I wouldn't have much of any motivation to do what I do. I believe that's the sole reason why I'm so grateful to him, for having provided such a great outlet for me. I'm also grateful for Him expressing interest in me, and that I was in the right place to accept him. I wish so badly that we could start over with the hopeless romantic mindset I have now, but I suppose that couldn't be helped. It needed to be awakened again, and it took a full year for that to form within me.

As I reminisce about my past, I try to look at it from a submissive lens, trying to find the ways in which I was submissive before I met K. I remember that I had this deep longing to help people with whatever they wanted, and then for them to be happy for it. They didn't even have to thank me, I just wanted to see them be happy. I wanted to be the reason for their happiness. This applies mainly to guys I've dated. However, whenever I would offer to clean their room or do their laundry, they would nonchalantly turn it down, as if they were ashamed to have a woman do something for them or that it rather inconvenienced them, which I can understand. Sometimes you yourself don't know how you want something organized or can't be bothered to tell someone where things go. This is why I'm grateful that I have a pretty good understanding of where things are in K's room.

Like K, I am a bit concerned with my dependence on this drive of love that I have. K is very practical, and is right to be. I've always come out better following his logical conclusions. Make logical decisions to have the best emotional state, He says. And I agree. I don't typically end up in a good place when I choose to follow my emotions over my reasoning. Anyways, both He and I are afraid that after a couple years, the flames of love will most certainly die down to glowing embers. This happens with the majority of couples. And for the rebellious bird that Love is, it's dangerous to pin my submission on an emotion rather than a logical decision. Of course, I chose submission without love, but love is definitely increasing my submission. K and I were able to pull through initially because he's very smart and practical, and I naturally go along with whatever my partner says in the effort to please. It makes me realize how dangerous of a situation I'm in and what I've been in, being horny and single. There are so many insensitive, horrible men out there who would LOVE to take real advantage of me. I tried to make the excuse that I wanted to be used for the sex, but the results were never all that fruitful. (Er...pun? Not intended?)

As I begin to discover the feelings I really enjoy in submitting to K, I've felt myself beginning to lose some of the other checks I have on myself to make sure I don't make frequent common mistakes that result from a lack of thought. I have this horrible habit of letting go when things are good. I think I can relax, but instead I slack off, and I'm seriously wondering how to solve this. I recently decided that simply deciding to do the right things when they come up tend to yield better success than previously setting myself up to do continue doing well. If I think, "Okay, this week I'm not going to make any mistakes this week," there exists behind it a fear that I won't be successful, and it proves to be rather powerful. It's better to make the simple decision to do the right thing each time I'm faced with a decision.

There were a couple of problems I noticed with my mindset and actions yesterday when K was playing with me. I was pretty bad with moving around to figure out where He wanted me to go on the bed. Typically it just gets to the point where He forcefully moves my body around because I'm so clueless to  His other cues. Sometimes however, his instructions can be a bit vague. He can say "lie here", but I don't know if it should be on my back or my stomach, if I should lie facing left or right, vertically or horizontally. I may have to request for specific instructions, or simply ask for clarification. I asked him about this and using specific, pre-prepared positions that He can order me into with a specific word, but He said with a little practice in forethought and actually considering the context, I'll get better and better. He had this issue with His last girlfriend, and they moved well in sync within a month. It's really interesting how things change around when you believe something can be solved in a certain way.

Also, I noticed how quickly I was given up to crying. This was a habit I was glad to break, and I don't like seeing it come back again. A simple slap or bite on the ear and I was already tearing up, which is rather ridiculous. There was one part where I moved after K put me into a position. He wasn't doing anything, so I thought it was okay to move. We hadn't discussed anything officially about the subject yet, but it had been a general understanding that He would tap me when it was okay for me to break position. I broke position and He slapped me on the pussy as punishment. I felt slightly miffed about it since we never discussed it, but then K brought up the later point, which I agree with. If I had been in a a better, more thoughtful mindset, this wouldn't have been an issue. He then had me close my eyes and He had His way with me, which I always enjoy. But after He was done, He pulled up my pants and I bucked my hips up to help Him get them back on me, and I kicked Him in the face. He then went to bite on my ear quite a bit harder than He meant to, and I was instantly crying. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to, and so I felt horrible for being punished right afterwards, but I look back on it and realize the flaw in my thinking. Normally, I would have felt horrible for having kicked Him in the face. I wasn't considering that He was right above me, pulling my pants back up. I've done a similar thing before for the same reasons.  I must learn to only move on His direction or prompting. Often when I do things unprompted, I make it more difficult and inconvenient for K.

Now, it is crucial to mention that I have been on my period this weekend, which can make submission extremely hard.  I was in a state where it felt like every non-moving, non-living thing was out to get me to make me feel uncomfortable. My clothes weren't sitting right, everything K said irritated me, I didn't feel like going through commands. However, I was very happy that I was able to express my irritableness to Him. I'm glad He was so understanding, and it very much gave me relief. However, it's important that I stay afloat and push through my angry ovary feels. My ability to overcome any negative feeling that I don't want is very important if I'm to be the person and submissive I want to be.

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Wifey Duties!

I've decided that this week's goal is to learn a couple basic "wifey" duties to please K with. I recently went over an article on how to serve a self-sufficient dominant and I've been thinking of all the different things I could do outside of what He requires that would make His life better. Each day, I will focus on learning the basics of some helpful skill and then whenever I see Him, I will show Him what I've learned. A couple things I have in mind is massaging, dinner serving, slave/submissive positions, making His bed, cleaning His room, cooking, making things neat as I go, playing a song, or memorizing a poem or sonnet. That should be enough for at least one each day.  :)

Hopefully if and when K and I get our own place together, I will absolutely LOVE being a neat and proper little housewife. When I'm at home, I can practice, using the great cleaning methods mentioned here. It would be great to dress up in some sort of cute maid costume, put on some music, and turn what usually is a drudge job into a game. It would be so nice to be vacuuming with my butt to the door so that when K comes home, that's the first thing He sees. Perhaps He might "surprise" me. ;)

This leads me to considering the subject of 50's housewifery and it's negative connotation that I've grown up with. As soon as I write, "LOVE being a neat and proper little housewife," I get an image of my mother's head saying, "How can you let yourself be degraded so?" or "You shouldn't let yourself be controlled like that! How dare you!" She indoctrinated me to never let myself be controlled by a man, that you have to be independent and make your own money so you don't find yourself stuck in a controlling relationship. I know that she meant the best. She came from the baby-boomer generation and grew up witnessing firsthand all the old 50's ideals that were kept by her parents. She feels that the "housewife" ideal was practically a form of slavery, and I agree with her to an extent. Many women were pressured into fulfilling that role, having little alternatives.  She herself felt restricted by her own husband who also grew up with these ideals; his "old money" expectations bug the hell out of me too. 

But I'm glad to see that I've moved a bit past being blindly against the ideal of pleasing and serving as a housewife. I recognize that I love to serve and to be the reason that someone's life is easier and happier. I do this out of my own desires and volition in order to bring happiness to me and the one that I love. Plus, I get a little fun out of what would usually be considered drudge work. Who'd say no to that?

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       When trying to come up with something to write about, especially when I don't have a pressing issue, I often look to websites like Submissive Guide and the Castle Realm. They always have a ton of helpful articles on a ton of different subjects dealing with BDSM and servitude. When looking through them I try to find something that's relevant to what I've recently dealt with or considered. One article that caught my eye was "How to Serve a Self-Sufficient Dominant" by lunaKM. It got me to thinking of the ways in which I've tried to deal with this problem on how to serve when one's Dominant typically does most things Himself. K is extremely self-sufficient. If there's a problem, he finds ways to fix it in a very quick and efficient manner. I've never been trained in completing anything quickly; in fact, my parents supported the mantra, "slow and steady wins the race". In contrast, K's mother was very fast, which trained Him to be very quick in order to keep up. Often, K beats me to the chase when something needs to be done. He believes that the person who gets a job done more quickly and efficiently should be the one to fix a problem, even though both parties may have the knowledge to solve it. Whenever I do get a chance to do something for Him, I'm overjoyed. (My best memory of that is when He asked me to go buy Him His favorite lead pencil downtown; I felt great for the whole trip.) K is aware of my desires to serve and what I get out of it, as well as my tendency to be slow, and so requires and urges me to do things more quickly in order to train me in that regard. Often he'll ask me to look up directions or acquire some scissors. He wants me to become self-sufficient and efficient enough to help Him in the small things He does.

      Lately, I've been getting much better, as I've been keeping an active mind and focus. I've been able to beat Him to some things, such as providing a web link to a problem we encountered before He had thought of it. In the kitchen, I was able to provide Him with utensils before He asked for them. I've made it my own goal this week to work on becoming efficient in my own tasks and actions when I'm at alone at home in order to practice and improve myself as well. My recent progress has shown a lot of my potential and that I may be on a closer level to K than I thought. It's unlikely that I'll obtain His level of intelligence (He has amazing Japanese samurai genes, as well as years and years of self-training, not to mention His good upbringing) but there are so many ways in which I can help Him as well as myself. 

     I've discovered the power in a "woman's touch". He asked me to help him clean His room. By now I have a pretty good idea of where everything goes but still have a lot to learn in that regard. His room is generally pretty darn efficient and organized but sometimes things get mixed up, as most rooms do. He disappeared for a while so I took it upon myself to reorganize half of His room. I had forgotten how enjoyable it really is to do that sort of thing. When He came back, I was overjoyed to see how pleased He was. He said the way I had organized everything made everything look very neat, like a girl had touched them. If someone came in to His room, they might notice a difference. I want people to look at Him, to see what He has for a lunch perhaps, and realize that He has a loving girlfriend/submissive taking good care of Him. <3

I've decided on my goal this week. Even though I know I must do what I should, sometimes I take my own sweet time doing it, thence not going about it in the most efficient way. This also goes for things I want to do or get out of the way. So I'm going to work on cutting out distractions and going straight to what I want to do, giving myself the time to only do just that. This is something I can do on my own that I know K would approve of. Also, having looked back on my time, knowing it was spent well, will make me feel more accomplished.

It's nice to have something to work on all the time. :)

Also, I've decided to start looking daily at the Submissive Guide's weekly newsletter. I feel like I've reached a point where I know all the basics and the rest of it is up to me. It's important to keep my thoughts and ideas running and fresh, so acquiring as much new information on the BDSM lifestyle will be really helpful to making me consider all the different aspects to the subject and how I feel about them.

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So this is Love.

Since K and I have been falling more and more in love it feels to me as if we're exploring our boyfriend and girlfriend side rather than our Dom/sub side. I have absolutely no reason to complain, it's an observation I made and I don't want things to remain stagnant for too long, for us to forget our goals and stop training. Luckily at this point I've developed enough passion in my submission to take matters into my own hands, while still going by K's preferences of course. I'm training myself, improving my thought processes, and thinking of all the ways I can remain active in my self-improvement process. Lately I have been giving some of my free time to other things like computer games and manga, since I feel I hardly have time for those but I also love browsing other submissive blogs. They really help me get a feel about what I should write about and how.

I've been working on my writing, remaining conscious about the way I use diction and syntax. A LOT of my practice writing articles for at least half a year has bled into my English class writings and I'm VERY grateful for that. Editing can be a pain the ass but it ends up being so worth it in the end.

Yesterday, it did take some effort to stick to the "no play before work" rule. I had an essay I needed to revise and I REALLY didn't want to do it. But I knew I had to do that before I could do anything fun. After I completed my morning routine, I laid in bed, trying to come up with the motivation to go do it. At first I used NLP to help with the way I looked at it....... And then I began to think of K. I thought of how much I loved and appreciated Him, and I instantly sat up and began revising my essay.

I'm just so lucky to be in this situation. I look back on when I didn't have anyone and felt rather lonely and lost. If I didn't have K, I wouldn't have this kind of motivation, so it kind of feels like I'm cheating. But K insists to use that and to cherish and be grateful for it. Which I do with all my heart.

Now I am off to go listen to some hypnotism files as I snuggle against K. <3 Just like these two. :P

Source: http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/cutestuff/cutestuff-photos/3340313/Cat-breastfeeds-squirrel

Silver Lined Vagina

This goes a little outside of the topic of this blog, but I feel it it does have some relevance and merit to the subject. I have spoken before of problems with my vagina, making K and I unable to have sex for most of our relationship. I could probably count on my fingers and toes the number of times we've had sex over the past year. The problem was that having sex, or any sort of touching down there, just simply hurt. It burned, it stung, it ached. I've had my share of sexual experiences with no problems in the past, but this problem has sprung up just for the best man I've ever dated and loved the most, ironically. The problem had recently let up, so we started exploring down there, and bang, the problem has come back.

I've done a bit of research, and what I have is simply known as vulvodynia, where the entrance to the vagina burns and itches, sometimes on contact, sometimes just randomly. There is no known cause or cure. I've been to numerous doctors, done a battery of tests, and have tested negatively for all common vaginal bacterial infections, viruses, and STD's last time I checked. K believes it could be some unknown bacterial infection. A number attribute it to birth control, others to chronic yeast infections, some to HPV, all of which I've experienced in the past. I believe this could possibly lead to nerve damage and erosion of the skin, hence the burning and stinging on contact.  Even so, it's nice to have a name associated with it and that I'm not the only woman suffering from it.

I had been SO HAPPY to have my libido come back as a result of a healthy vagina. And I plan to work my way around this condition so that I can keep it, because it's deepening my love for K in a way I thought I'd been cheated out of. In my particular state, there is a silver lining. Even without the lust aspect of our relationship, we're still able to function, and very happily too.  A D/s relationship strengthens our bonds in other ways. We're honest with each other and we strive for happiness, making the effort and hard work to push through our problems. K said even if both my ass and vagina were permanently closed up, he would still keep me. It's so incredibly comforting to feel so secure in this kind of relationship. I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have that and only hope for other people to find it as well. I want to cherish each moment with Him because He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I couldn't imagine it happening with anyone else.

The lesson here is that when you have a problem that won't seem to go away, there are still ways you can fix it or deal with it. You can research, come up with your own solutions, and find ways to enjoy life despite any unfortunate circumstances. Submission and Love do that for me, and I heartily encourage others to find their happiness in whatever best suits them. :)

Now What?

So, I've achieved the goals I first wanted to get out of the way. I wasn't quite so aware of what I was working towards when I started, but I knew I wanted to stop forgetting and become more intelligent so I could please K better. Now I'm thinking actively most of the time and I'm so glad K notices it; it's one of the many aspects that have brought us so close to each other after one year. But now I'm thinking, now what? I can think, I don't forget, I obtain good looks and hygiene, what more is there to do now? And I realize that the purpose of accomplishing that is to please K even more.

One thought I've noticed come up is, "I've accomplished this goal, now I can relax, phew!" Although that's typically my habit, I realize thinking that is actually the worst thing I can do. That single thought has the potential to unravel all the year's worth of hard work I've done, and encourages the lazy mindset I have worked so hard to be rid of. I'm glad I'm sitting myself down seriously now and getting it through my head that the only answer is to continue working hard like I always have - that's what gets results. A lot of my submission also involves self-improvement and there's no limit to that.  I'm very much feeling like I legitimately desire to be the person and submissive I want to be, that familiar feeling I've always had where I've decided to start working hard again, but would always abandon because my lazy self didn't find the gain worth the hard work.

What can I work on? It's important to consider my goals, with the end result in mind. I want to continue to hone my new ability to help K when He needs information or assistance, doing it more and more until I can beat Him to the punch. I want to work on my cooking and homemaking skills to make Him delicious food. I want to work on my writing skills so that they reach a professional level, increasing my vocabulary and improving my style by reading books and other blogs.  There are so many opportunities, and each week I want to make it my goal to work on some special skill so that I can impress Him with each new skill I learn. My love for Him is growing to new heights and is finally becoming a deep motivating factor for me, another one of the goals I had in the beginning. ^_^

My Own Den!

I am literally in the BEST place right now. Sitting behind K's computer desk by his feet to massage from time to time, with my computer on my lap and a rope harness under my clothes, topped off with a collar and leash. I've always dreamed of doing this and wonder why we haven't done it sooner.  I get to sit in the dark in my own little den where I can peer over at my beloved gamer nerd boyfriend playing computer games. ^_^ AND I get to read manga and look at dirty hentai porn. K has His room set up so I have the perfect little space down here. I think I'll be down here much more often.

When I was younger and wished to be free from the world, I imagined digging a hole underground and setting up my own little rabbit-like den, where I would bring a small lamp, a computer or a tv, some books, and snacks and just hide in there for a while. This is a PERFECT, even better substitute.

Happy Anniversary, K!

It has officially been a year since K and I have been together. I am so glad that we pushed and pulled through the initial rocky parts, and it's amazing to look at the progress I've made and to see the opportunity in that which I have yet to achieve.  I think it's safe to say that I've achieved the first goal that I made a couple months from that time - to get out of that rut where my mindset enabled me to be lazy and not get anything done, doing the very bare minimum. Now I look at it as simply something I can't do, I'm not in any position to. For most of my life I've been pretty selfish. I was lucky enough to have everything handed to me on a silver platter but I realize that has its downsides. I lack a lot of motivation as a result, and have never truly known what it is to work hard at something for a long time nor have seen the appeal of the enormous gain achieved from it. Now I'm able to see the joy and sense of accomplishment in working hard. And it's much, much more fulfilling when I work hard for someone else. K is the only person who has ever opened me up to this, and I am eternally grateful to Him for it, and I am honored and overjoyed to work hard for Him. He has encouraged and required me to find my own motivation in submission and all of my other interests. He wants me to enjoy the process.  It's important that I follow and obey His instructions of course, but the ultimate goal and purpose of what we're doing is to find happiness through it.

As we were talking, a similar point came up of having to deal with my process and mindset about enjoying what He asks me to do. I pretty much wear a buttplug whenever my butt isn't healing, nearly 24/7. He asked me what it's like to wear a buttplug all the time because He asked me to. It's simply that I love wearing the buttplug for the sake of it. If I find that K likes me doing something, I end up romanticizing it, and then I like it for what it is. The fact that He likes it that way simply makes the act more fulfilling to me. And I think this is what should go for any BDSM play activity or anything you do outside of that.

I've also been able to get over another sticking point of our relationship. As I've mentioned earlier, I am now the horny girl who craves sex five times a day, as it should be, and I'm just so happy that I'm wanting it finally. Also, I've begun to truly lust after K. My libido had been so low for so long that we never really went through that 3 month lust phase that most couples have.

There's something fun and interesting about having sex given our power exchange. Making love in a vanilla setting does have its merits. You're horny and in love, achieving pleasure together. But I've found that when I'm giving my body to Him for His pleasure, I gain a lot more.  There's an almost indescribable sense of fulfillment, knowing that you're making someone else happy. I feel like my own being, existence, and everything I do, whether it involves pleasure or hard work, has more aside from myself.  I'm also rarely ever frustrated, except for one example today..  When K was eating me out, I kept jerking and spasming. I thought he would like this and looked at it as a reflex anyways. I noticed that he kept readjusting and I couldn't understand why except that I figured He was trying to please me better. (This is a bad mindset and I should avoid it. ) As I focused on this, I lost the orgasm process and started all over again.  Ke could sense my frustration and told me that it's bad to focus on every single time the rhythm gets broken, and so commanded that I keep my legs still. After that, I didn't spasm or jerk, which I thought was a reflex, and I ended up orgasming fine.  Also, I came out of it with a much more fulfilled and content sense of accomplishment, that I had done as He'd asked. :)

Do you hear that? It's the winds of change.

These past few days, I've been seeing real change in myself. Staying active and aware in my thoughts has  become a constant now, and I don't see myself letting up on this habit any time soon. I know it seems like a rapid change, but it's also something I took notice of quite rapidly as well. I notice that I forget much less often and remember much more and I know that this is simply because I'm thinking.

This is one of the most crucial ways in which I can be K's good submissive. Above all things, He wants me to think. He doesn't want to have to keep a close and constant eye on me because I'm always forgetting crucial details and doing things that would close up her options. K wants a submissive who is prepared and able to come up with information and solutions on her own, so that she can help Him in His own endeavors. This is one of my goals as a submissive, and I am happy to say that I am progressing in this regard.

Last night, after I fulfilled my weekly punishment, K had me sit in Nadu for ten minutes to reflect on my daily mistakes. Instead of timing it for me, He had me guess how long it'd be. If I came out of it before 10 minutes was up, I would have to do it all over again. This and the fact that I was not used to sitting in Nadu for so long resulted in a big change of mind for me and did wonders for my submission.   I knew I had to change. I knew I had to make the most of my time with productive solutions. I felt badly that every week I had a punishment because I couldn't get it in my head that mistakes every day were not acceptable. The biggest sticking point for me has been that I have trouble choosing what is right over what is easy. So I let my pain in this position wash over me, focusing on how I was working for Him.  I remembered the good days of when I remembered everything and did everything I was supposed to, and made the image of this brighter. The result of 15 minutes of this ended up in me coming out feeling amazing, hopeful, and productive, and so much more K's. <3

I've been working on a surprise all evening, so I didn't get to turn this blog post in on time. It's amazing how fast time flies. I will accept my punishment though.

Nipple Piercing!

I would like to take a special moment to say that during our conversation of our futures two nights ago, K announced that at some point He would have my nipples pierced to mark ownership of me. ^_^!! <3 <3

--I've explained in some of my earlier posts that body mods to show belonging or ownership count as a bit of soft limit for me since it's such a permanent installment that I feel should be discussed between two individuals first. I've always had a bit of a wary opinion towards body piercings that don't involve the face, wondering if that or a tattoo would even look good on me and if other possible partners I may have in the future would like it. So I was expecting to be fearful and doubtful when He mentioned it. 

       --Instead, I was taken aback and overjoyed at the prospect! That he loved and accepted me enough as His submissive to want to claim official ownership of me with something as big as a nipple piercing made the little sub in me cry out with joy. I even teared up a bit. I was taken aback by how He simply just announced it, decided to take control over that, and I gave it to Him willingly and eagerly.  It even made me hot and turned on and my vagina quivered not long after He said it. I just imagined looking down and seeing two bejeweled bars or rings through my nipples that told me I was His, and  I got all hot and bothered from it. 

Whenever one gets into a subject, there's a whole plethora of activities you can take part in related to it. I instantly started looking at all the cute body jewelry that would become available to me. Now knowing that this was going to happen, K and I discussed looks and preferences as well as the future regarding it. He likes the idea of a ring. I think a bar might look better, but I like the ring idea since it has more practical use, if you get what I mean. ;)  Plus, it's not like I couldn't switch them out.  But in the end it's whatever pleases K the most. ^_^

When it comes to my own preference on a body mod, after long consideration I decided that my own preferences have a lot to do with what my partner likes.  Beforehand, I had come to the conclusion that piercings and tattoos wouldn't work so well with my body or style but that's only because I've gotten word from other people saying so.  So when I hear someone I love say that they'd REALLY like me with a nipple or belly piercing I become much more turned on to the idea. However, I am a P-type. I like to have options available to me. A tattoo is much harder and expensive to remove, so I'd be putting a lot of thought and negotiation into that matter. In contrast, a nipple piercing can simply heal after a while. Not that I'd plan to get rid of it any time soon. K looked up the safety and feasibility of having a nipple piercing and then breastfeeding and found that it's generally pretty doable, provided that you let the piercing heal up once you want to have children. 

I'm kind of amazed at how quickly I was turned on to the idea. If we went to the piercing shop tomorrow, I'd do it. Unfortunately, we have to wait a while, but I very much look forward to that day!

Puppy Play

 During the evening sometime last week, K and I fulfilled a fantasy that's been percolating in the recesses of my mind for at least 5 months now. K knew that I was interested in being tied up like a dog, so when I timidly asked to be bound, he proceeded to do just that. He told me to take out the studded brown leather collar, the one we bought together at a pet shop. I love it when that collar comes out, it makes me feel like I'm more His. I promptly grabbed that and went on to the bed at His direction with my clothes still on. He adjusted my body as I did my best to answer to the commands His hands were making. I found myself in that special position, and I knew what was coming, eagerly awaiting the bonds I was soon going to be in. After He tied my wrists to my shoulders and ankles to thighs, I soon found myself with only my elbows and knees on the ground. 

After checking to see that I was comfortable enough, He asked me to walk around on His bed a bit. I kept tripping up, and so came to edge, head up, asking with my eyes if I could be brought down to the floor. I felt like a puppy discovering a step for the first time. It was new to be so helpless that K had to pick me up and set me down on the floor. After adjusting the collar a little bit, He gently led me around with the rope that was tied to the collar on my neck. As I walked like a newborn foal, it was difficult for me to judge His movements to know where he wanted me to go.  I want to do a little more training in that area. I very much wish we could walk out into the park like that, with a bone, gag, or muzzle in my mouth, and perhaps even be forced to pee in public. (I'm quite the exhibitionist.)

....He then told me to sit. I was unsure of how to do this, but eventually I simply leaned back onto my hips, and found myself feeling very much like a dog at that point, with my hands up by my chest. However, once His dick came out, I became His bound submissive again, and I instantly locked onto it as I always do. It was satisfying to feel even more helpless, as all I could do was move my head, without my hands to aid me. After His dick had been lubed by my mouth, he turned me around, pulled my pants down as far as they would go with the bonds still on, and fucked me in my pussy and then in my ass. There's something really satisfying about being bound in a new/awkward position while being fucked that I can't quite seem to describe. It was honestly fun to be on my hands and knees like that. I felt adventurous. I got into a really good headspace afterwards, not caring that my holes hurt from being used. I hope to do this again to experience these new feelings of vulnerability even more.

[I want to take a moment to clarify that I don't sexualize the feelings of being a dog or any other animal, it's more of a mental experiment for me to become more attached to my Dom in other ways.  It's just that I happened to be bound at that point, and when the option for me to be fucked is so readily available, why not?]

Good choices! ^_^

Today went much better than the past few days. Last night, I was set on looking at every decision I made as an opportunity. I know I know the right choices, I’m a smart girl, K and I both know it, and it's simply a matter of making that choice and sticking with it. That was my goal today, and I ended up getting significant internal rewards. I look at each decision, as well as major mistakes as a chance to improve, and should do this every time I get punished. Becoming sad and mopey about it doesn't help at all.  The following consists of all the decisions I made today.

     I woke up at 10, a little late. I woke up earlier at around 8, but went back to sleep, so I feel a little badly about that.  I am often tempted to get any sleep I can in, however.... If it gives me more time to do other things, then I should wake up early instead of being lazy and sleepy. It will feel really good to have gotten up so early. I went straight into Nadu, which is now something I’m remembering every day, which I’m really happy about, I would always forget and I would get a demerit for that daily. I then spent some time looking at my phone to see when the bus would come so that I would only use a certain amount of time given to me. I usually don't, and I end up leaving the house willy nilly whenever, not knowing the time.    

     I wanted to leave early for a couple errands, but then saw my dog looking forlornly at me as I went out the door. She’s rarely ever walked, and everyone is gone during the day. I considered the amount of time I had until my class started at 1:30. That would give me two hours to do whatever. I considered walking her all the way to this one place that sells the loofas I really liked, but it was kind of far away and I didn't know how long it would take, really, and it was risky and a hassle, since I'd have to walk her all the way back and I would have less time to do other things. So I gave up on that and decided to just walk straight to the nearby grocery store. I ended up making the next bus to school less than hours later. She was happy and I had more time. :)

I needed to withdraw some money, so I stopped halfway at the bank. I was tempted to buy a drink at Starbucks so I could get change for the next bus. But after considering all the costs and benefits, I decided to just ask for change. The woman was accommodating, and not annoyed as I had feared. The universe often rewards me for making the right choices, in addition to the good feelings I get knowing that my good choices please K. ^_^

There is one little planning faux pas I did make. There is a Kinkos and Bank down at my school, and it would have been better to ride the bus straight down there instead instead of having to pay. Luckily, this guy let me go for free as well, but that's irrelevant. I reasoned that the first Kinkos was larger, and so would possibly have more selection, but I realize that they're a chain and so would probably have the same products there, and I should be saving money first and foremost. >< I do feel badly about that.    When I got to school, I had an hour to spare, and so read some Fate/Stay Night before class. I also bought the cheapest, but fairly good quality sketchbook, so now I can start drawing again! I'm going to be really careful with my drawings this time around, trying to make a good piece out of every sketch. :) I fear for the amount of eraser marks though... >.> 

After I got out of class, I planned to go straight home, remembering my mistake from yesterday. I did think about anything else I had planned to do today, and remembered that I wanted to go to the craft store to make a special bracelet that will help me with choice making, which I plan to double as a token of my love for K. However, I got K’s text telling me of some assignments He wanted me to do. K wants me to be more academic with my writing so that I can practice for any school or work related job. I rarely revise my work, and so He wanted me to work on doing that.

Also, I've been using vaseline on my butt twice daily per K's instruction, and it's been healing nicely.  I've also been doing 50-100 kegels daily, hopefully I'll see some improvement. I’m proud of myself that I’m finally adopting these habits with the advice and guidance of K.

      He was on my mind all day. It's gotten to a point where everything I do, I do for Him. Even in the mundane things that have nothing to do with Him. He makes everything so meaningful. <3 K, your loving guidance and approval means so much to me. I love you so much.

       

I Can Only Breathe Your Name

Despite all of my short comings lately, I've been falling more and more in love with K as I fall deeper into my submissive passion. I also realized that writing, listening to hypno, and reading other blogs really keep me in this comfortable, kept state inside myself, knowing that I'm K's. It's a great feeling. And I never want it to leave, it's what I've been craving for so long, and heck, it doesn't even have to have a label. It's just, I love K so much that I'm willing to do anything for Him, and I want to give myself to Him, and submit all power to Him. That's all it is. Everything that comes afterwards is a side affect of my attachment. <3

Another thing I've realized is that music has a LOT to do with influencing my emotions. It's what brought me into a lot of the other mindsets I've always developed, and I should utilize it . It has similar effects to NLP, as I try to find the personal meaning within the lyrics, and then the music sweeps me in.

No Good Deed Unthought Goes Unpunished.

So, today started out well, but ended as a result of yet another faux pas of mine.

I had been thinking of all the ways I could please K, to show Him how much I truly desired His dominance and how enthusiastic and invested I was in my submission to Him. So, it seemed like a perfect idea to come to His house early so that when He woke up, the first thing he'd see is his naked, wide-eyed submissive presenting her cuffed hands to Him. But there were a lot of things this submissive didn't think of in the midst of her own desires. Such as K's convenience, the timing, the weather, the money, the transportation, or any logistics that would determine it possible to make the long trek to His house, finish homework, and make it to class on time and still have ample time for K to enjoy you the way you imagined Him doing in the first place.   I didn't consider that K would be very tired at that time, and so woke him up when he'd planned to sleep in, as He's currently recovering ffrom a sickness. I should know that he gets rather annoyed at these sorts of things.  I also didn't consider my own hardship due to my inefficiency. I only considered my own opinion of how I treated myself, and not how K would like me to treat myself. Even though I told myself that I was fine with it, He couldn't accept me walking out in the hot weather for 9 blocks, and so had to wake up early to drive me over. I didn't think everything through, so my surprise ended up having completely the opposite effect of what I'd intended. I let my enthusiasm curb my logic.

We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again.

     Some thoughts on my progress in attaining the long desired feelings of Love and Passion. --> I do think I've successfully developed the start of a passion for submission. The seed has been planted, and I must nourish it if I want to become the best submissive for K, naturally. Submission gives me all of the heart thumpings that I've yearned for for so long. I'm finally getting butterflies and increased heart rate whenever I'm with Him, whenever we kiss or when He pulls my hair. When it comes to doing K's bidding in everything I do, it's something I've become glad to do because it brings me closer to Him when we're apart. (I've successfully been getting in the habit of capitalizing Him, His, and He when I'm referring to K or any other Dom, but now I have to consciously correct myself whenever I'm mentioning any male pronouns outside of that. XP ) I end up feeling significantly more happy throughout the day, and I end up thinking of Him all the time we're apart, and I'm so GLAD that I'm finally achieving this, something I once thought was so far off. Also, decision making is easier, as it gets rid of any temptation or needless thought when it comes to what I should do. I listen to my conscience so much more often now.
 
It is now Monday. The end of the week where I was to prove myself as a submissive, and find a passion for it. Most importantly I was to explore submission meant to me, and I've found what it means to be a submissive, and I see the attraction of all the different basic aspects to it. Being a person who needs attachment, direction, and acceptance at her core, the idea of giving myself completely to another person fulfills me in ways I've never been able to experience. It gives everything more meaning. When it comes to just me, I don't really consider doing anything for myself all that motivating. Doing something for another person important in my life makes all the difference, and it's why I did so much when I was attached to Don and it's why I've done so little since. Now I'm always fantasizing, looking forward to going to all of the different hardware stores to make flogs and other S&M equipment. I'm even getting back into drawing again, thinking of ideas for dresses, and I looked at various sketchbooks to draw in. Considering the material I plan to put in it however, I should actually get one with a lock. ;)

 I can't get enough of K. My desire to be with Him all the time is getting stronger, and I worry for when He leaves, but knowing my history, it will only increase my attachment. "Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder!"

Japanese?

One aspect you may notice about my writing is that it involves a couple Japanese terms and phrases. I'm not Japanese, but before you go thinking I'm some weeabo or wapanese, I lived in Japan for a year and a half in high school, and became immersed in the culture through that. I learned to speak basic Japanese, and plan to learn it fluently. Nihongo o ninen nataratte iru.  I've found that calling K my Dominant seemed too detached and unnatural, and so I felt calling him -sama or -senpai worked perfectly. I find it's endearing and respectful at the same time. :)))