Every single day I encounter something I've improved on, and my gratitude for K and what he's done for me grows deeper. He does remind me however that a lot of my progress comes from my own strength, and I'm indeed grateful that I'm the kind of person who considers serving, pleasing, and submitting a priority. Otherwise I wouldn't have much of any motivation to do what I do. I believe that's the sole reason why I'm so grateful to him, for having provided such a great outlet for me. I'm also grateful for Him expressing interest in me, and that I was in the right place to accept him. I wish so badly that we could start over with the hopeless romantic mindset I have now, but I suppose that couldn't be helped. It needed to be awakened again, and it took a full year for that to form within me.
As I reminisce about my past, I try to look at it from a submissive lens, trying to find the ways in which I was submissive before I met K. I remember that I had this deep longing to help people with whatever they wanted, and then for them to be happy for it. They didn't even have to thank me, I just wanted to see them be happy. I wanted to be the reason for their happiness. This applies mainly to guys I've dated. However, whenever I would offer to clean their room or do their laundry, they would nonchalantly turn it down, as if they were ashamed to have a woman do something for them or that it rather inconvenienced them, which I can understand. Sometimes you yourself don't know how you want something organized or can't be bothered to tell someone where things go. This is why I'm grateful that I have a pretty good understanding of where things are in K's room.
Like K, I am a bit concerned with my dependence on this drive of love that I have. K is very practical, and is right to be. I've always come out better following his logical conclusions. Make logical decisions to have the best emotional state, He says. And I agree. I don't typically end up in a good place when I choose to follow my emotions over my reasoning. Anyways, both He and I are afraid that after a couple years, the flames of love will most certainly die down to glowing embers. This happens with the majority of couples. And for the rebellious bird that Love is, it's dangerous to pin my submission on an emotion rather than a logical decision. Of course, I chose submission without love, but love is definitely increasing my submission. K and I were able to pull through initially because he's very smart and practical, and I naturally go along with whatever my partner says in the effort to please. It makes me realize how dangerous of a situation I'm in and what I've been in, being horny and single. There are so many insensitive, horrible men out there who would LOVE to take real advantage of me. I tried to make the excuse that I wanted to be used for the sex, but the results were never all that fruitful. (Er...pun? Not intended?)
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