As I begin to discover the feelings I really enjoy in submitting to K, I've felt myself beginning to lose some of the other checks I have on myself to make sure I don't make frequent common mistakes that result from a lack of thought. I have this horrible habit of letting go when things are good. I think I can relax, but instead I slack off, and I'm seriously wondering how to solve this. I recently decided that simply deciding to do the right things when they come up tend to yield better success than previously setting myself up to do continue doing well. If I think, "Okay, this week I'm not going to make any mistakes this week," there exists behind it a fear that I won't be successful, and it proves to be rather powerful. It's better to make the simple decision to do the right thing each time I'm faced with a decision.
There were a couple of problems I noticed with my mindset and actions yesterday when K was playing with me. I was pretty bad with moving around to figure out where He wanted me to go on the bed. Typically it just gets to the point where He forcefully moves my body around because I'm so clueless to His other cues. Sometimes however, his instructions can be a bit vague. He can say "lie here", but I don't know if it should be on my back or my stomach, if I should lie facing left or right, vertically or horizontally. I may have to request for specific instructions, or simply ask for clarification. I asked him about this and using specific, pre-prepared positions that He can order me into with a specific word, but He said with a little practice in forethought and actually considering the context, I'll get better and better. He had this issue with His last girlfriend, and they moved well in sync within a month. It's really interesting how things change around when you believe something can be solved in a certain way.
Also, I noticed how quickly I was given up to crying. This was a habit I was glad to break, and I don't like seeing it come back again. A simple slap or bite on the ear and I was already tearing up, which is rather ridiculous. There was one part where I moved after K put me into a position. He wasn't doing anything, so I thought it was okay to move. We hadn't discussed anything officially about the subject yet, but it had been a general understanding that He would tap me when it was okay for me to break position. I broke position and He slapped me on the pussy as punishment. I felt slightly miffed about it since we never discussed it, but then K brought up the later point, which I agree with. If I had been in a a better, more thoughtful mindset, this wouldn't have been an issue. He then had me close my eyes and He had His way with me, which I always enjoy. But after He was done, He pulled up my pants and I bucked my hips up to help Him get them back on me, and I kicked Him in the face. He then went to bite on my ear quite a bit harder than He meant to, and I was instantly crying. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to, and so I felt horrible for being punished right afterwards, but I look back on it and realize the flaw in my thinking. Normally, I would have felt horrible for having kicked Him in the face. I wasn't considering that He was right above me, pulling my pants back up. I've done a similar thing before for the same reasons. I must learn to only move on His direction or prompting. Often when I do things unprompted, I make it more difficult and inconvenient for K.
Now, it is crucial to mention that I have been on my period this weekend, which can make submission extremely hard. I was in a state where it felt like every non-moving, non-living thing was out to get me to make me feel uncomfortable. My clothes weren't sitting right, everything K said irritated me, I didn't feel like going through commands. However, I was very happy that I was able to express my irritableness to Him. I'm glad He was so understanding, and it very much gave me relief. However, it's important that I stay afloat and push through my angry ovary feels. My ability to overcome any negative feeling that I don't want is very important if I'm to be the person and submissive I want to be.
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