It has officially been a year since K and I have been together. I am so glad that we pushed and pulled through the initial rocky parts, and it's amazing to look at the progress I've made and to see the opportunity in that which I have yet to achieve. I think it's safe to say that I've achieved the first goal that I made a couple months from that time - to get out of that rut where my mindset enabled me to be lazy and not get anything done, doing the very bare minimum. Now I look at it as simply something I can't do, I'm not in any position to. For most of my life I've been pretty selfish. I was lucky enough to have everything handed to me on a silver platter but I realize that has its downsides. I lack a lot of motivation as a result, and have never truly known what it is to work hard at something for a long time nor have seen the appeal of the enormous gain achieved from it. Now I'm able to see the joy and sense of accomplishment in working hard. And it's much, much more fulfilling when I work hard for someone else. K is the only person who has ever opened me up to this, and I am eternally grateful to Him for it, and I am honored and overjoyed to work hard for Him. He has encouraged and required me to find my own motivation in submission and all of my other interests. He wants me to enjoy the process. It's important that I follow and obey His instructions of course, but the ultimate goal and purpose of what we're doing is to find happiness through it.
As we were talking, a similar point came up of having to deal with my process and mindset about enjoying what He asks me to do. I pretty much wear a buttplug whenever my butt isn't healing, nearly 24/7. He asked me what it's like to wear a buttplug all the time because He asked me to. It's simply that I love wearing the buttplug for the sake of it. If I find that K likes me doing something, I end up romanticizing it, and then I like it for what it is. The fact that He likes it that way simply makes the act more fulfilling to me. And I think this is what should go for any BDSM play activity or anything you do outside of that.
I've also been able to get over another sticking point of our relationship. As I've mentioned earlier, I am now the horny girl who craves sex five times a day, as it should be, and I'm just so happy that I'm wanting it finally. Also, I've begun to truly lust after K. My libido had been so low for so long that we never really went through that 3 month lust phase that most couples have.
There's something fun and interesting about having sex given our power exchange. Making love in a vanilla setting does have its merits. You're horny and in love, achieving pleasure together. But I've found that when I'm giving my body to Him for His pleasure, I gain a lot more. There's an almost indescribable sense of fulfillment, knowing that you're making someone else happy. I feel like my own being, existence, and everything I do, whether it involves pleasure or hard work, has more aside from myself. I'm also rarely ever frustrated, except for one example today.. When K was eating me out, I kept jerking and spasming. I thought he would like this and looked at it as a reflex anyways. I noticed that he kept readjusting and I couldn't understand why except that I figured He was trying to please me better. (This is a bad mindset and I should avoid it. ) As I focused on this, I lost the orgasm process and started all over again. Ke could sense my frustration and told me that it's bad to focus on every single time the rhythm gets broken, and so commanded that I keep my legs still. After that, I didn't spasm or jerk, which I thought was a reflex, and I ended up orgasming fine. Also, I came out of it with a much more fulfilled and content sense of accomplishment, that I had done as He'd asked. :)
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