You're a good girl, but the way you touch me...must wanna get nasty...

Hehehehe, I was just thinking how extremely dirty I am. Looking at me on the street, you'd think I was the most innocent girl ever - a homeless man even said I looked like it. But little do you know that there's a plug and harness underneath my white, frilly dress. Little do you know that with every step, I get off of the fact that no one else knows. I imagine playing truth or shot, "What is the dirtiest thing you've ever done in sex" like in "40-year-old Virgin", and I would have to give a sly look and take the shot. People typically know me to be pretty open about my sexuality, and the fact that I'd have to hide what I've done will say that I'm especially dirty. And I love it. I love being gross and debaucherous for K. I've willingly and eagerly sucked on the cock and butt plug that has been in my ass. I fantasize about old men smelling me while I'm tied up - not fucking me though. I just get off on that damsel in distress situation you see in movies where the gross man has kidnapped the pretty girl, who has been forced to wear a pretty dress by him. I like getting peed on. If K suggests doing something gross as a punishment, I now give Him that knowing smile that says, "You KNOW that wouldn't be a punishment for me...."

I'm a cute, innocent looking, dirty, debaucherous little slut. ;)

Gahh, I knew it. I knew how happy I would feel if I finished everything early on. I've done my homework ahead of time and listened to my daily hypnotism files early, and as I search blogs out of pure interest, expanding on my fantasies, I already have one blog post ready, and this is my second one today. :)

I just wanted to mention how good a nice belt slapping on my behind does me. Yesterday K tried it with me, and it was amazing. I would LOVE it if I could start every day like that. It makes me feel so exhilarated and I want to get up and do things. It could become as frequent as my morning cup of coffee but spiked with heroine or whatever drug makes you feel on top of the world. Because that's how getting smacked and flogged makes me feel.

Who knew that I'd be so cut out for this kind of thing. I always felt like a bit apart from people who engaged in the lifestyle. I'd think, "Mm, I'm not sure if I'd really be cut out for that type of thing, it seems interesting though..." I never knew that BDSM was so much more than just whips and chains and pain tolerance. It's a sense of belonging, of feeling owned, and this inherent desire to please and put your Dominant's desires before your own in the process. If I had known that, I would have recognized it as such a perfect solution so much earlier. However, the danger in that is that I might have sought out and found a Dominant before I met K. So all in all, I'm so glad things panned out the way they did. The universe must really love me, for I am so lucky.

L'amour est une oiseau rebelle.

Every single day I encounter something I've improved on, and my gratitude for K and what he's done for me grows deeper. He does remind me however that a lot of my progress comes from my own strength, and I'm indeed grateful that I'm the kind of person who considers serving, pleasing, and submitting a priority. Otherwise I wouldn't have much of any motivation to do what I do. I believe that's the sole reason why I'm so grateful to him, for having provided such a great outlet for me. I'm also grateful for Him expressing interest in me, and that I was in the right place to accept him. I wish so badly that we could start over with the hopeless romantic mindset I have now, but I suppose that couldn't be helped. It needed to be awakened again, and it took a full year for that to form within me.

As I reminisce about my past, I try to look at it from a submissive lens, trying to find the ways in which I was submissive before I met K. I remember that I had this deep longing to help people with whatever they wanted, and then for them to be happy for it. They didn't even have to thank me, I just wanted to see them be happy. I wanted to be the reason for their happiness. This applies mainly to guys I've dated. However, whenever I would offer to clean their room or do their laundry, they would nonchalantly turn it down, as if they were ashamed to have a woman do something for them or that it rather inconvenienced them, which I can understand. Sometimes you yourself don't know how you want something organized or can't be bothered to tell someone where things go. This is why I'm grateful that I have a pretty good understanding of where things are in K's room.

Like K, I am a bit concerned with my dependence on this drive of love that I have. K is very practical, and is right to be. I've always come out better following his logical conclusions. Make logical decisions to have the best emotional state, He says. And I agree. I don't typically end up in a good place when I choose to follow my emotions over my reasoning. Anyways, both He and I are afraid that after a couple years, the flames of love will most certainly die down to glowing embers. This happens with the majority of couples. And for the rebellious bird that Love is, it's dangerous to pin my submission on an emotion rather than a logical decision. Of course, I chose submission without love, but love is definitely increasing my submission. K and I were able to pull through initially because he's very smart and practical, and I naturally go along with whatever my partner says in the effort to please. It makes me realize how dangerous of a situation I'm in and what I've been in, being horny and single. There are so many insensitive, horrible men out there who would LOVE to take real advantage of me. I tried to make the excuse that I wanted to be used for the sex, but the results were never all that fruitful. (Er...pun? Not intended?)

As I begin to discover the feelings I really enjoy in submitting to K, I've felt myself beginning to lose some of the other checks I have on myself to make sure I don't make frequent common mistakes that result from a lack of thought. I have this horrible habit of letting go when things are good. I think I can relax, but instead I slack off, and I'm seriously wondering how to solve this. I recently decided that simply deciding to do the right things when they come up tend to yield better success than previously setting myself up to do continue doing well. If I think, "Okay, this week I'm not going to make any mistakes this week," there exists behind it a fear that I won't be successful, and it proves to be rather powerful. It's better to make the simple decision to do the right thing each time I'm faced with a decision.

There were a couple of problems I noticed with my mindset and actions yesterday when K was playing with me. I was pretty bad with moving around to figure out where He wanted me to go on the bed. Typically it just gets to the point where He forcefully moves my body around because I'm so clueless to  His other cues. Sometimes however, his instructions can be a bit vague. He can say "lie here", but I don't know if it should be on my back or my stomach, if I should lie facing left or right, vertically or horizontally. I may have to request for specific instructions, or simply ask for clarification. I asked him about this and using specific, pre-prepared positions that He can order me into with a specific word, but He said with a little practice in forethought and actually considering the context, I'll get better and better. He had this issue with His last girlfriend, and they moved well in sync within a month. It's really interesting how things change around when you believe something can be solved in a certain way.

Also, I noticed how quickly I was given up to crying. This was a habit I was glad to break, and I don't like seeing it come back again. A simple slap or bite on the ear and I was already tearing up, which is rather ridiculous. There was one part where I moved after K put me into a position. He wasn't doing anything, so I thought it was okay to move. We hadn't discussed anything officially about the subject yet, but it had been a general understanding that He would tap me when it was okay for me to break position. I broke position and He slapped me on the pussy as punishment. I felt slightly miffed about it since we never discussed it, but then K brought up the later point, which I agree with. If I had been in a a better, more thoughtful mindset, this wouldn't have been an issue. He then had me close my eyes and He had His way with me, which I always enjoy. But after He was done, He pulled up my pants and I bucked my hips up to help Him get them back on me, and I kicked Him in the face. He then went to bite on my ear quite a bit harder than He meant to, and I was instantly crying. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to, and so I felt horrible for being punished right afterwards, but I look back on it and realize the flaw in my thinking. Normally, I would have felt horrible for having kicked Him in the face. I wasn't considering that He was right above me, pulling my pants back up. I've done a similar thing before for the same reasons.  I must learn to only move on His direction or prompting. Often when I do things unprompted, I make it more difficult and inconvenient for K.

Now, it is crucial to mention that I have been on my period this weekend, which can make submission extremely hard.  I was in a state where it felt like every non-moving, non-living thing was out to get me to make me feel uncomfortable. My clothes weren't sitting right, everything K said irritated me, I didn't feel like going through commands. However, I was very happy that I was able to express my irritableness to Him. I'm glad He was so understanding, and it very much gave me relief. However, it's important that I stay afloat and push through my angry ovary feels. My ability to overcome any negative feeling that I don't want is very important if I'm to be the person and submissive I want to be.

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Wifey Duties!

I've decided that this week's goal is to learn a couple basic "wifey" duties to please K with. I recently went over an article on how to serve a self-sufficient dominant and I've been thinking of all the different things I could do outside of what He requires that would make His life better. Each day, I will focus on learning the basics of some helpful skill and then whenever I see Him, I will show Him what I've learned. A couple things I have in mind is massaging, dinner serving, slave/submissive positions, making His bed, cleaning His room, cooking, making things neat as I go, playing a song, or memorizing a poem or sonnet. That should be enough for at least one each day.  :)

Hopefully if and when K and I get our own place together, I will absolutely LOVE being a neat and proper little housewife. When I'm at home, I can practice, using the great cleaning methods mentioned here. It would be great to dress up in some sort of cute maid costume, put on some music, and turn what usually is a drudge job into a game. It would be so nice to be vacuuming with my butt to the door so that when K comes home, that's the first thing He sees. Perhaps He might "surprise" me. ;)

This leads me to considering the subject of 50's housewifery and it's negative connotation that I've grown up with. As soon as I write, "LOVE being a neat and proper little housewife," I get an image of my mother's head saying, "How can you let yourself be degraded so?" or "You shouldn't let yourself be controlled like that! How dare you!" She indoctrinated me to never let myself be controlled by a man, that you have to be independent and make your own money so you don't find yourself stuck in a controlling relationship. I know that she meant the best. She came from the baby-boomer generation and grew up witnessing firsthand all the old 50's ideals that were kept by her parents. She feels that the "housewife" ideal was practically a form of slavery, and I agree with her to an extent. Many women were pressured into fulfilling that role, having little alternatives.  She herself felt restricted by her own husband who also grew up with these ideals; his "old money" expectations bug the hell out of me too. 

But I'm glad to see that I've moved a bit past being blindly against the ideal of pleasing and serving as a housewife. I recognize that I love to serve and to be the reason that someone's life is easier and happier. I do this out of my own desires and volition in order to bring happiness to me and the one that I love. Plus, I get a little fun out of what would usually be considered drudge work. Who'd say no to that?

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       When trying to come up with something to write about, especially when I don't have a pressing issue, I often look to websites like Submissive Guide and the Castle Realm. They always have a ton of helpful articles on a ton of different subjects dealing with BDSM and servitude. When looking through them I try to find something that's relevant to what I've recently dealt with or considered. One article that caught my eye was "How to Serve a Self-Sufficient Dominant" by lunaKM. It got me to thinking of the ways in which I've tried to deal with this problem on how to serve when one's Dominant typically does most things Himself. K is extremely self-sufficient. If there's a problem, he finds ways to fix it in a very quick and efficient manner. I've never been trained in completing anything quickly; in fact, my parents supported the mantra, "slow and steady wins the race". In contrast, K's mother was very fast, which trained Him to be very quick in order to keep up. Often, K beats me to the chase when something needs to be done. He believes that the person who gets a job done more quickly and efficiently should be the one to fix a problem, even though both parties may have the knowledge to solve it. Whenever I do get a chance to do something for Him, I'm overjoyed. (My best memory of that is when He asked me to go buy Him His favorite lead pencil downtown; I felt great for the whole trip.) K is aware of my desires to serve and what I get out of it, as well as my tendency to be slow, and so requires and urges me to do things more quickly in order to train me in that regard. Often he'll ask me to look up directions or acquire some scissors. He wants me to become self-sufficient and efficient enough to help Him in the small things He does.

      Lately, I've been getting much better, as I've been keeping an active mind and focus. I've been able to beat Him to some things, such as providing a web link to a problem we encountered before He had thought of it. In the kitchen, I was able to provide Him with utensils before He asked for them. I've made it my own goal this week to work on becoming efficient in my own tasks and actions when I'm at alone at home in order to practice and improve myself as well. My recent progress has shown a lot of my potential and that I may be on a closer level to K than I thought. It's unlikely that I'll obtain His level of intelligence (He has amazing Japanese samurai genes, as well as years and years of self-training, not to mention His good upbringing) but there are so many ways in which I can help Him as well as myself. 

     I've discovered the power in a "woman's touch". He asked me to help him clean His room. By now I have a pretty good idea of where everything goes but still have a lot to learn in that regard. His room is generally pretty darn efficient and organized but sometimes things get mixed up, as most rooms do. He disappeared for a while so I took it upon myself to reorganize half of His room. I had forgotten how enjoyable it really is to do that sort of thing. When He came back, I was overjoyed to see how pleased He was. He said the way I had organized everything made everything look very neat, like a girl had touched them. If someone came in to His room, they might notice a difference. I want people to look at Him, to see what He has for a lunch perhaps, and realize that He has a loving girlfriend/submissive taking good care of Him. <3

I've decided on my goal this week. Even though I know I must do what I should, sometimes I take my own sweet time doing it, thence not going about it in the most efficient way. This also goes for things I want to do or get out of the way. So I'm going to work on cutting out distractions and going straight to what I want to do, giving myself the time to only do just that. This is something I can do on my own that I know K would approve of. Also, having looked back on my time, knowing it was spent well, will make me feel more accomplished.

It's nice to have something to work on all the time. :)

Also, I've decided to start looking daily at the Submissive Guide's weekly newsletter. I feel like I've reached a point where I know all the basics and the rest of it is up to me. It's important to keep my thoughts and ideas running and fresh, so acquiring as much new information on the BDSM lifestyle will be really helpful to making me consider all the different aspects to the subject and how I feel about them.